Zook INcandenZA
I am just a pilgrim on this road, boys.
Now I remember why I love my job, a list of terrible fucking people I ran into yesterday that made me question my faith in humanity (as if there was any left) until I finally found a reason to shut the fuck up and enjoy life
FirstWoman Looking for Grand Theft Auto 3, a videogame for PlayStation 2 that has been pulled off the market for being too violent:
WLFGTA3: (looks at me with that look, you all know it, the "i'm here to be helped and my ten bucks is paying your fucking salary" look) Do you work here?
Me: (smiling cos I'd just punched in) Sure do.
WLFGTA3: (leaning in, whispering) This black fellow was helping me.
Me: (chuckling) Yeah, he tends to do that.
WLFGTA3: Well this (looks around, whispers) black fellow, see he was supposed to be getting me Tony Hawk and Grand Theft Auto 3. But I see him standing over there, and I don't think he's doing what he's supposed to be doing.
Me: Well, actually, F____ tends to be the best person we have working here.
WLFGTA3: Well, (leans in, whispers sinisterly) this black fellow, he hasn't come back to say whether or not you have it. And see, I'm in a bit of a hurry. Could you just ask that (w's, l's in) black fellow to hurry up?
Me: No, ma'am. But I'll go look myself. (I walk towards F____, who follows me to the back room)
F___: Oh, man. Did you see that woman's mustache? She thinks she's gettin' GTA3, she's nuts.
Me: Don't talk to me, black fellow
F____: (confused, I explain the sitch to him) Yeah, you know, my blackness is gonna fade onto her fucking copy of Tony Hawk 3, make the skateboarders all turn black, make 'em turn to basketball, malt liquor and shit. (F____ takes copy of TH3, rubs it all over). See if she can smell that shit.
Second Woman with two children who is of the human variety that has decided that yelling at her kids is the only way to raise them the right way. She has also decided, apparently, that neither herself nor her children need to take baths/showers. Heretofore, she shall be known as The Most Unpleasant Woman, LIke, Ever.
TMUW,L,E: (to her daughter, who is silently sitting on the floor looking at her shoes) Goddamnit!!! Get the fuck off the floor! (daughter makes no move) If you don't get off the fucking floor, yer gon' get stuck in yer room at home without dinner until I decide to let you out! (keep in mind, this girl is less than 4) Goddamnit! (looks at me, sneers like What the fuck you looking at, these are my kids. Girl stands up, starts singing. TMUW,L,E grabs her by the arm and pulls her into her) Goddamnit!
Third Man who has decided that he knows everything about the Play Station 2, yet continues to ask me questions as if I were auditioning for the role of Play Station 2 expert on Fox News. Our exchange about GrandTheftAuto3, in it's entirety:
Me: So, yeah, they pulled it off the market cos it's too violent.
Him: No they didn't, they pulled it off cos there is a defect.
Me: No.
Him: YES! (this yelled so loudly that customers are looking at us)
Me: Actually, it's cos it's too violent, and you kill cops and stuff.
Him: (Loudly sighing, like I had just spilled ten cups of milk on his lap in a row)Obviously you don't read the Gamer magazines.
Me: Thank God. (muttered)
Him: WHat?!!?
Me: I said Thank god.
Him: Can I talk to someone else?
Me: Gladly.
So these three get to me, and then this kind looking woman approaches me. She's in her thirties, and to my sight, alone. She says, "my daughter is looking for the shrek soundtrack". I know we don't have any on the shelf. "Sorry" I say without looking "all out". She sighs, and looks down at, quite possibly, the most adorable 4ish year old girl I've ever seen. She's on the verge of tears. "but maybe" I add "maybe we have some in the back". I spend the next 20 minutes scouraging the wearhouse for a copy, and finally find one. When i give it to her, she looks at me with those wide eyes you see on those rare, transcendent occasions, smiles, and jumps up and down for almost 30 seconds. HEr mom looks at me, I look at her, and all i can do is smile and rub her daughters head.
Next five: anything and everything off the new Avalanches LP "since I left you"
in the stereo: Steve Earle: "i Feel allright"
I am just a pilgrim on this road, boys.
Now I remember why I love my job, a list of terrible fucking people I ran into yesterday that made me question my faith in humanity (as if there was any left) until I finally found a reason to shut the fuck up and enjoy life
FirstWoman Looking for Grand Theft Auto 3, a videogame for PlayStation 2 that has been pulled off the market for being too violent:
WLFGTA3: (looks at me with that look, you all know it, the "i'm here to be helped and my ten bucks is paying your fucking salary" look) Do you work here?
Me: (smiling cos I'd just punched in) Sure do.
WLFGTA3: (leaning in, whispering) This black fellow was helping me.
Me: (chuckling) Yeah, he tends to do that.
WLFGTA3: Well this (looks around, whispers) black fellow, see he was supposed to be getting me Tony Hawk and Grand Theft Auto 3. But I see him standing over there, and I don't think he's doing what he's supposed to be doing.
Me: Well, actually, F____ tends to be the best person we have working here.
WLFGTA3: Well, (leans in, whispers sinisterly) this black fellow, he hasn't come back to say whether or not you have it. And see, I'm in a bit of a hurry. Could you just ask that (w's, l's in) black fellow to hurry up?
Me: No, ma'am. But I'll go look myself. (I walk towards F____, who follows me to the back room)
F___: Oh, man. Did you see that woman's mustache? She thinks she's gettin' GTA3, she's nuts.
Me: Don't talk to me, black fellow
F____: (confused, I explain the sitch to him) Yeah, you know, my blackness is gonna fade onto her fucking copy of Tony Hawk 3, make the skateboarders all turn black, make 'em turn to basketball, malt liquor and shit. (F____ takes copy of TH3, rubs it all over). See if she can smell that shit.
Second Woman with two children who is of the human variety that has decided that yelling at her kids is the only way to raise them the right way. She has also decided, apparently, that neither herself nor her children need to take baths/showers. Heretofore, she shall be known as The Most Unpleasant Woman, LIke, Ever.
TMUW,L,E: (to her daughter, who is silently sitting on the floor looking at her shoes) Goddamnit!!! Get the fuck off the floor! (daughter makes no move) If you don't get off the fucking floor, yer gon' get stuck in yer room at home without dinner until I decide to let you out! (keep in mind, this girl is less than 4) Goddamnit! (looks at me, sneers like What the fuck you looking at, these are my kids. Girl stands up, starts singing. TMUW,L,E grabs her by the arm and pulls her into her) Goddamnit!
Third Man who has decided that he knows everything about the Play Station 2, yet continues to ask me questions as if I were auditioning for the role of Play Station 2 expert on Fox News. Our exchange about GrandTheftAuto3, in it's entirety:
Me: So, yeah, they pulled it off the market cos it's too violent.
Him: No they didn't, they pulled it off cos there is a defect.
Me: No.
Him: YES! (this yelled so loudly that customers are looking at us)
Me: Actually, it's cos it's too violent, and you kill cops and stuff.
Him: (Loudly sighing, like I had just spilled ten cups of milk on his lap in a row)Obviously you don't read the Gamer magazines.
Me: Thank God. (muttered)
Him: WHat?!!?
Me: I said Thank god.
Him: Can I talk to someone else?
Me: Gladly.
So these three get to me, and then this kind looking woman approaches me. She's in her thirties, and to my sight, alone. She says, "my daughter is looking for the shrek soundtrack". I know we don't have any on the shelf. "Sorry" I say without looking "all out". She sighs, and looks down at, quite possibly, the most adorable 4ish year old girl I've ever seen. She's on the verge of tears. "but maybe" I add "maybe we have some in the back". I spend the next 20 minutes scouraging the wearhouse for a copy, and finally find one. When i give it to her, she looks at me with those wide eyes you see on those rare, transcendent occasions, smiles, and jumps up and down for almost 30 seconds. HEr mom looks at me, I look at her, and all i can do is smile and rub her daughters head.
Next five: anything and everything off the new Avalanches LP "since I left you"
in the stereo: Steve Earle: "i Feel allright"
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