Zach Oooh!n

Just tell yourself the right way is here.

Sad and Funny Stuff From Harper's Weekly; or how six unrelated items somehow end up sounding like the same thing:

1. Secretary Rumsfeld compared President Bush to Winston Churchill and
said that Saddam Hussein was acting like Adolf Hitler. British
historians begged to differ. "Churchill is the only Englishman any of
them has ever heard of, with the possible exception of Shakespeare if
they were hard-working at school," said Ben Pimlott, warden of
Goldsmiths College, London. "In fact, there is no comparison between
Hitler and Saddam Hussein, who is not an expansionist within the
region. Americans admire Churchill's brilliance, his language and
oratory, his feline style. But Bush is a Neanderthal with no knowledge
of the world. Churchill had a great deal of knowledge." (I love it when Brits fuck with Americans. Except, well, they do still allow a ¡°Royal Family¡± to suck from their economy)

2. Israeli tanks fired at a village in the Gaza Strip and killed four members of a family that was sleeping outdoors; the government expressed regret for the killings, which it said were inappropriate. Human rights groups denounced the army for using flechettes, tiny metal darts that spray out of tank shells, in the attack. Israel also apologized for killing a 10-year-old boy and a 6-year-old girl during an attempt to assassinate a Palestinian militant, who escaped. The little girl had just bought a ruler after her first day at school. (Where's your god now, sir?)

3. A new study found that there are almost 200,000 more black
American men in prison than in college. (and we don't have to worry about this, right Conservatives?)

4. A California man was arrested for torturing and dissecting his daughter's guinea pig because he thought it was a robot with a camera in its head sent to spy on him by government agents (if anyone tortures my fucking Horatio, prepare for a Julioing)

5. Robert Plant, the former singer of Led Zeppelin, was asked whether he would accept a knighthood. "I'm already the Golden God," he replied. "How can I step down that far?" (What we create, we deal with later)

6. An 81-year-old man wearing nothing but a T-shirt, sneakers, and sunglasses was filmed by Virginia police fornicating with one cow after another. (this, for obvious reasons, is disturbing. But not so obvious: Why didn't the cops stop him after they saw him rogering the first cow?)

Next five: ¡°I¡¯m a parade¡± by kepler; ¡°there will always be someone behind you¡± by maserati; ¡°obstacle 2¡± by Interpol; ¡°there is a chance that mast might not make it¡± by lois lane; and ¡°always glide¡± by joel r.l. phelps and the downer trio. (the punctuation here is what happens when yer office mate messes with the office computer and puts Chinese characters in Microsoft Word, which then transfer when copy and pasted...)

In the stereo: Kepler Missionless Days