Zach OOOH!n
You won’t tell me it’s gone, but baby, I’ll know. Maybe I’ll know.
A shoutout to HoratioSanzTheBlackBearHammy: dude, it kills me when you climb up the side of the cage and then hang off the top with one paw and then you fall and shake yer head like it was something and then get up and run to yer wheel and then to yer water bottle and then back up the side. You nasty, guv’nr. If I could only get you to not shit in your ball.
So I’m getting a bit sick of one of my office mates. He stinks, quite frankly. He doesn’t shower, and anyone who comes within ten feet of our office can tell. I’m not sure if showering is a custom in other parts of the world, but I do know that many nations hate us cos we’re using up the water supply of the world with our green lawns and our hour showers. I agree that we should do without the lawns, but there’s no fucking way I’m giving up on my daily shower, and nor should any of ye. Here’s a question: why can’t we just create water?!!? (as I typed that, HSTBBH knocked over his water bottle, as if like FUCK THE FRENCH, ZACH!!) We can create a web based on a chaotic and non-functional language that makes sense to like one-tenth of a per cent of the world’s people, which is like 1/10 of 1/10 of the population if you count the people who would equate a computer with a space ship, yet we can’t create more water? Is this one of those scientific chemistry like things where you can’t combine certain elements to create another element? Water, I realize, is a compound. Fine. But if we can create other things, why is it we can't create water?
Back to the subject at hand. So this Omate of mine is sitting next to me at this meeting where the faculty is trying to get grad students to nominate each other to be parts of these committees they have set up to make us believe that we have some power at the U. So people are nominating each other, and this guy Pat who shares an office with me (making him Omate2) and I are talking about how we shouldn’t have even come to the meeting cos all that’s gonna happen is some douche is going to get smart and nominate us to do something, which means more work and more hours at the U, which is something both of us desperately want and need to avoid. So Omate1 decides to get cute, and initially I think it may have something to do with the fact that he’s from another continent, so I play along.
Where the Hammer Gets Lost, or Why One Should Never Sit Next To Someone Who Thinks It Funny to Nominate People for Things they Have Explicitly and Implicitly told him “Dude, don’t, please.” A one-act play
Omate1: Zach! (It should be noted, Omate1 speaks at decibels unheard of in general conversation) I have a good idea! You should be on the Writing committee! You have great skill at writing!
Zach: No, man, that’s cool. Thanks though. (smiling and nodding) But No. (frowning presidentially and shaking my head)
Omate1: No?
Zach: (Smiling) No.
Omate1: Yes?
Zach: (Smiling, laughing with Omate2) No, ____. Seriously, don’t. I don’t have time.
Omate1: Ok. (raises hand, holds it).
Zach: (looking away momentarily) ……. (looking back, seeing Omate1 with his hand up) NO!
Doctor in charge: Yes, _____.
Omate1: I nominate Zach K--- to the committee. (looks at me, smiling, as if he just shit on my head and I haven’t felt the heat of it yet)
Entire room: (looks at Zach, smiles and nods)
DIC: Zach! Great!
So time goes by, and they go one by one down the committees, and Omate2 and I are steaming cos Omate1 keeps nominating people for things they don’t want to be nominated for, including another foreign exchange student who literally drops her mouth in horror when he names her, inciting those of us in the corner to burst out in laughter, which only eggs Omate1 on. Meanwhile, Omate2 and I plot our move, and when DIC names off the “Library Committee”, whose duties include “being on top of the game with the library staff, keeping disputes between students and the library down, etc”, Omate2 and I agree we’ve found the proper pile of shit to smear, and, well,
Act Two
Omate1: (laughing, not knowing) Perhaps I should nominate you again, Zach!
Zach: (laughing) Yeah, that would be HI larious, _____!
Omate2: Do it, Zach.
DIC: OK, so we need one Masters candidate. (everyone in room cowers, trying to avoid his eyes, cos this committee is known as the kiss of death as far as time consuming bullshit goes)
Zach: Hey, ____. You would be great for this.
Omate1: (stops laughing dead in its tracks)(Horrified)Oh, no. I don’t have the time for committees! I spend four hours last night on one class alone! No time, no time!
Zach: Oh, too bad. (raising my hand)
DIC: Yeah, Zach?
Zach: He says he doesn’t have enough time for it, but that’s the perfect reason to nominate _______.
Omate1: (Pissed off) Why did you do this to me?
Now, ethically, I’m as sound as the next guy/girl. I tend to avoid making decisions that will impact others negatively, and I usually eat shit and don’t serve it unless I’m pushed to the brink. But. Well. Fuck ‘em. Let em riot.
A few words on Interpol. This is, very seriously, a record you all need to pick up. Turn on the Bright Lights. Ten bucks. Anywhere. Matador released it at a nice price, so you shouldn’t pay more than ten. Buy it. Be not afraid of the FlockOfSeagullsHolierThanThou haircut that the one guy sports. They look like chaps who have been through an image machine. Worry not, they aren’t as fake as the Faint. buy the record. Put it on, but make sure you don’t settle in yer seat until the first track is about three minutes in. Then sit. Track two will come on. It’s called “Obstacle 1” (which, as a now paid to deconstructionist, sets up any number of readings, my choice being this is the first truly great song on the record, and if you can’t get through it to get to the whole, they can’t blame you). It is, very. Very. Striking. It moves at a pace that this type of music often cannot. It reminds me very much of what Juno sounds like when they are at their absolute finest. Anyway. Track 2, alone, is worth the price of admission. I don’t know if you can download it anywhere, but if you have to, do so. You won’t be far from the record store by the time it’s halfway through the 3rd track.
Reading.
Coming (look at the tours)
Finished
Next five: “obstacle 2” by interpol; “guys like me” by aimee mann; “stella was a diver and she was always down” by interpol; “mjarcie didn’t die: I only know cos he BLARGed, which, really, could have come from beyond the grave, I oughta
check his vanity side project by The Zach Ooooh!ns featuring s.mcboober and the Masters; and “water wings” by superchunk.
in the stereo: the six parts seven
You won’t tell me it’s gone, but baby, I’ll know. Maybe I’ll know.
A shoutout to HoratioSanzTheBlackBearHammy: dude, it kills me when you climb up the side of the cage and then hang off the top with one paw and then you fall and shake yer head like it was something and then get up and run to yer wheel and then to yer water bottle and then back up the side. You nasty, guv’nr. If I could only get you to not shit in your ball.
So I’m getting a bit sick of one of my office mates. He stinks, quite frankly. He doesn’t shower, and anyone who comes within ten feet of our office can tell. I’m not sure if showering is a custom in other parts of the world, but I do know that many nations hate us cos we’re using up the water supply of the world with our green lawns and our hour showers. I agree that we should do without the lawns, but there’s no fucking way I’m giving up on my daily shower, and nor should any of ye. Here’s a question: why can’t we just create water?!!? (as I typed that, HSTBBH knocked over his water bottle, as if like FUCK THE FRENCH, ZACH!!) We can create a web based on a chaotic and non-functional language that makes sense to like one-tenth of a per cent of the world’s people, which is like 1/10 of 1/10 of the population if you count the people who would equate a computer with a space ship, yet we can’t create more water? Is this one of those scientific chemistry like things where you can’t combine certain elements to create another element? Water, I realize, is a compound. Fine. But if we can create other things, why is it we can't create water?
Back to the subject at hand. So this Omate of mine is sitting next to me at this meeting where the faculty is trying to get grad students to nominate each other to be parts of these committees they have set up to make us believe that we have some power at the U. So people are nominating each other, and this guy Pat who shares an office with me (making him Omate2) and I are talking about how we shouldn’t have even come to the meeting cos all that’s gonna happen is some douche is going to get smart and nominate us to do something, which means more work and more hours at the U, which is something both of us desperately want and need to avoid. So Omate1 decides to get cute, and initially I think it may have something to do with the fact that he’s from another continent, so I play along.
Where the Hammer Gets Lost, or Why One Should Never Sit Next To Someone Who Thinks It Funny to Nominate People for Things they Have Explicitly and Implicitly told him “Dude, don’t, please.” A one-act play
Omate1: Zach! (It should be noted, Omate1 speaks at decibels unheard of in general conversation) I have a good idea! You should be on the Writing committee! You have great skill at writing!
Zach: No, man, that’s cool. Thanks though. (smiling and nodding) But No. (frowning presidentially and shaking my head)
Omate1: No?
Zach: (Smiling) No.
Omate1: Yes?
Zach: (Smiling, laughing with Omate2) No, ____. Seriously, don’t. I don’t have time.
Omate1: Ok. (raises hand, holds it).
Zach: (looking away momentarily) ……. (looking back, seeing Omate1 with his hand up) NO!
Doctor in charge: Yes, _____.
Omate1: I nominate Zach K--- to the committee. (looks at me, smiling, as if he just shit on my head and I haven’t felt the heat of it yet)
Entire room: (looks at Zach, smiles and nods)
DIC: Zach! Great!
So time goes by, and they go one by one down the committees, and Omate2 and I are steaming cos Omate1 keeps nominating people for things they don’t want to be nominated for, including another foreign exchange student who literally drops her mouth in horror when he names her, inciting those of us in the corner to burst out in laughter, which only eggs Omate1 on. Meanwhile, Omate2 and I plot our move, and when DIC names off the “Library Committee”, whose duties include “being on top of the game with the library staff, keeping disputes between students and the library down, etc”, Omate2 and I agree we’ve found the proper pile of shit to smear, and, well,
Act Two
Omate1: (laughing, not knowing) Perhaps I should nominate you again, Zach!
Zach: (laughing) Yeah, that would be HI larious, _____!
Omate2: Do it, Zach.
DIC: OK, so we need one Masters candidate. (everyone in room cowers, trying to avoid his eyes, cos this committee is known as the kiss of death as far as time consuming bullshit goes)
Zach: Hey, ____. You would be great for this.
Omate1: (stops laughing dead in its tracks)(Horrified)Oh, no. I don’t have the time for committees! I spend four hours last night on one class alone! No time, no time!
Zach: Oh, too bad. (raising my hand)
DIC: Yeah, Zach?
Zach: He says he doesn’t have enough time for it, but that’s the perfect reason to nominate _______.
Omate1: (Pissed off) Why did you do this to me?
Now, ethically, I’m as sound as the next guy/girl. I tend to avoid making decisions that will impact others negatively, and I usually eat shit and don’t serve it unless I’m pushed to the brink. But. Well. Fuck ‘em. Let em riot.
A few words on Interpol. This is, very seriously, a record you all need to pick up. Turn on the Bright Lights. Ten bucks. Anywhere. Matador released it at a nice price, so you shouldn’t pay more than ten. Buy it. Be not afraid of the FlockOfSeagullsHolierThanThou haircut that the one guy sports. They look like chaps who have been through an image machine. Worry not, they aren’t as fake as the Faint. buy the record. Put it on, but make sure you don’t settle in yer seat until the first track is about three minutes in. Then sit. Track two will come on. It’s called “Obstacle 1” (which, as a now paid to deconstructionist, sets up any number of readings, my choice being this is the first truly great song on the record, and if you can’t get through it to get to the whole, they can’t blame you). It is, very. Very. Striking. It moves at a pace that this type of music often cannot. It reminds me very much of what Juno sounds like when they are at their absolute finest. Anyway. Track 2, alone, is worth the price of admission. I don’t know if you can download it anywhere, but if you have to, do so. You won’t be far from the record store by the time it’s halfway through the 3rd track.
Reading.
Coming (look at the tours)
Finished
Next five: “obstacle 2” by interpol; “guys like me” by aimee mann; “stella was a diver and she was always down” by interpol; “mjarcie didn’t die: I only know cos he BLARGed, which, really, could have come from beyond the grave, I oughta
check his vanity side project by The Zach Ooooh!ns featuring s.mcboober and the Masters; and “water wings” by superchunk.
in the stereo: the six parts seven
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